Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
