everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i wish my penis had a tongue
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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