Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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