So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
