even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize