i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
