my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
God, I missed his penis.
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