I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
