My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
