I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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