What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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