i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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