My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
