i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
