He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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