There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
