someone threw a dead crab at me
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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