i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think i have herpe
just one?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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