All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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