I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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