I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
