I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
