No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
