I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
