Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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