Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
