when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
