You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
