everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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