this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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