i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
