I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
