i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
