she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My cat gives me a boner
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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