so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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