it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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