we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
