I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
