We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
