Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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