How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
