You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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