I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
