Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
