My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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