apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
