Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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