What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I checked into jail on foursquare
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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