Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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