So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
