you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
PANTIES FOUND
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
