my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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