Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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