Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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