Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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