You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My cat gives me a boner
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
